So last Sunday I went to see the new Bond film. Kudos to Mara for organising the entire thing and getting tickets in advance. The fact that she bought one less ticket may be ignored. In fact, it won't be ignored. Just so you know Mara, 1+1=2, not 1. Owned by maths. (In all seriousness thanks for organising stuff)
After standing in line for 5 whole minutes, 5 minutes I won't get back. I managed to get a ticket in the front row, where thankfully everyone was to begin with. And after displacing little Ed, I even managed to get a decent seat. Barging for the win. I hope you'll forgive me Ed. Because if you don't...
After yelling, "Start the movie!" at the trailers, I noticed that the Orange Execs phone tirade has been replaced by some crap about the New York blackout. Everyone, everyone, you know what I don't care about? New Yorkers sleeping. Why? Because it's dull. You know what I do care about? Orange execs annoying the hell out of famous movie directors. Why? Because it's funny as hell.
So anyway, onto the Bond film. Now, here's the thing. I go to a Bond film with certain expectations. These expectations are explosion filled. That's explosion E-X-P-L-O-S-I-O-N.
I even provided a friggin' picture.Here's the thing. There were no explosions. Well there was one really shitty gas canister explosion near the beginning, but that didn't even kill anyone. You know what replaced the explosions? Some shitty rom com involving Bond and a chick from the treasury. If I wanted to see a rom com I would've wasted my hard earned money (I say hard earned, more hard conned from my parents) on some crappy film like "The holiday." I did not enter the cinema to see
(Verily this hath been shopped)Seriously, Bond is meant to be a hard man, yet this film had shit where he tells a girl he loves her. The entire freakin' point of Bond is that he can't open out to a girl like that because of the death of his first wife. And can you note the inconsistencies here. In Goldeneye Bond condemns his best friend to death by setting the timers forward, in this one he goes psycho over the death of some girl who for all he knows has willingly betrayed him and the British government. If you want to portray Bond as a cold killer through the entire film at least try not to invalidate the point by some retarded drowning scene near the end. The only other film where Bond gets that upset over a girl is OHMSS and that's his damned wife and that film was crap anyway.
Also it never struck me at the time, but what happened to the gadgets? Q was not even mentioned in this film. The closest thing to a gadget that appeared was a completely NORMAL mobile phone. What happened to the brilliant remote controlled car, hell even the laser watch from Goldeneye would've been a nice addition.
Hell, there wasn't even an evil boss. Just some idiot who cries blood and he doesn't even get killed by Bond. Every other damned Bond film has the ultimate bad guy either get killed by Bond or get away and laugh maniacally. Here you don't even see the guy get shot!
And if people are going to rant on about how this Bond film is meant to be more like the Connery ones I've got a newsflash for you. Connery had gadgets, Connery had explosions, Connery killed the evil boss and damnit Connery was a womanizing bastard, not some idiot who tells a girl he loves her after all of 30 seconds.
Sony, next time you make a Bond film, try not to let the PS3 radiation get to it.
It just occured to me that I should mention Game On.
Simply put, Game On rules, go see it in the science museum or suffer my wrath.
